Yesterday

I have been avoiding this topic, but it is cathartic for me to write and express my feelings so I am going to go ahead and do it. Sorry you guys have to be subjected to it, but I might feel better!

Yesterday was referral day for my sweet Jaren Mikiyas Yared. I didn't realize how it would still affect me, and to be honest, it sort of snuck up on me. August was a crazy month and September started with a Elly's birthday. Then I sort of forgot about it. Until yesterday, when it hit me like a ton of bricks. This past week was stressful for a number of reasons and that didn't help any. It's hard for me to admit that I am still grieving. How can I be grieving, almost a year later, a child I never knew, never touched, never held? I don't know. I just am.

I believe God is good and I know that He had a plan in all of this. I don't doubt that at all, and when I look into the sienna colored eyes of my new son, I know that His plan is unfolding before me. But still, my heart aches for my other son. To be quite honest, I want to love them both.

My soul finds rest in God alone. "Esias" is Isaiah in Greek...and I love that because Isaiah is my favorite book, and probably the book where I find the most comfort from the Lord. This one sticks out at me today.

Isaiah 66:13

As a mother comforts her child,
so will I comfort you;
and you will be comforted over Jerusalem.

Precious Boy

Today we received some precious, precious video footage of our boy Jaren Mikiyas. It just is so sweet to see is little face light up as they talk to him. He was a very easy smiler. He kicked his little feet and waved his little hands. He had spit up running down one side of his face, like he did in one of the other pictures we got, he must've been a spitter! He just looked like a little bundle of energy. Sweet, sweet boy. I will treasure that precious video. It does my heart good to know him more, even just a little bit.

Bad. Aunt.

Today I was a very very bad aunt.

I forgot Marcus.

I forgot him.

He was at the babysitters, and I was suppose to go get him. I didn't. I left him to fend for himself.



At least his babysitter didn't send him packing. She held onto him until very upset-- but not showing it-- mother came and got him.


Bad, bad aunt. Thanks for the grace, Sis.


I think my mind is gone. I can't think of words. I have no sense of responsibility. I was glad when I ran across this article on Molly Piper's blog. She and her husband Abraham Piper (John Piper's son) lost their sweet baby girl Felicity about a year ago. She is an amazing woman and a great writer, I love reading her blog. She posted this really helpful series about how to help a grieving friend. I actually read this long before we lost Jaren, but I just recently came upon it again. She is very insightful and shares from her own experiences. One of the posts was about the grieving friend being a "scatterbrain." She certainly is right on there.

Shopping Therapy?

Today was a good day. The sunshine helps. Dan stayed home from work and he, Elly, and I went to Target together and picked out a scrapbook for Jaren. We went to the Children's Museum. We met Tiel and Nia for lunch in CR and then shopped for Eden's b'day (Oct. 26 she turns 6!). After picking Eden up for school, we headed to Goodwill and seriously cleaned them out. Eden was in dire need of some sweatshirts for these cold mornings. I found two really nice Disney Store brand fleece pull-overs, one for $6 and one for $3. We also found her a couple of cotton Old Navy shirts and a Puma jacket for $3- it was perfect. The best score was a $4 pair of snow boots. Elly got a couple of things- a pair of Bongo jeans (my faves) and a Gap dress that might fit next year but was too good to pass up at $2. I also found a hoodie and some work out pants, and Dan found a button-down AE shirt for his trip to Germany. My favorite purchase was a 38 cent magent I found that features Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper from Blues Clues. I love those guys, and I love magnets!

Ok, so I am rambling about things that don't matter. Can I still do that?

I tried really hard to pretend that everything was normal today. Maybe that is why I shopped so much. But of course, it won't be "normal" like I am thinking and wanting. It will get easier, I am sure, but I think this changes a person. I guess I am ok with that. I want to be changed. If it means that I knew this sweet babe as my son, just one day short of a month, than I am ok being changed. I wouldn't change knowing him for the world.

Today I think I am a little numb. I guess that is normal in the stages of grief. I have been productive and ok, I am not staying in bed all day in my jammies. It helps that my family is here, and more than that, that my mom has been admitted into the hospital for a kidney infection, so of course we're all just trying to be there for her. Pray for her if you think of it, she's in a lot of pain, and it's not going away as quickly or easily as we'd hoped.

Now we are home from the hospital, the kids are in bed, and my head can slow down a bit. I feel the thing that seems so cliche- but it is true- it is a feeling of a hole, a void in the heart. I am not sure if that goes away or not. I am surprised at how many of the typical descriptions of grief are actually so right when describing it- like waves of grief- you're fine one minute talking about something, laughing maybe...then it sweeps up over you like the tide.

I am not sad that Jaren is with Jesus. That is the ultimate of ultimates. I am comforted to know that he did not die alone in his bed. That was sweet providence that God did allow him to live until morning when his caregiver could scoop him up and hurry him into the vehicle. That blessed my heart to know that she was holding him. No, I am not sad he is at the feet of Jesus. Who could be sad about that? I am just so sad, so very sad that I never picked him up under his tiny arms, held him up to my face, breathed him in deeply and told him that I loved him. I loved him. I love him.


When we were waiting for a referral, I wrote this letter to him, though I did not know yet who "he" was. I replaced "baby" with his name.

Dearest Jaren,
I can't stop thinking of you. I want to know what you look like, what you sound like, what you feel like to hold. Are you alright? I am praying that you are every night. I pray that God is making you strong both physically and emotionally, because you are going through more than most humans have to at your tender age, whatever that age is!

Eden and Elly are so excited to see you. They can't wait. I don't think they know how you will shake up their world, but we know from having Elly that it is worth it. I can't wait to see how Eden holds you and cares for you and how Elly makes you smile. They are precious sisters.

Your daddy is excited to meet you too. He wants to someday be able to share Ethiopia with you so he is planning lots of adventures while we are there to see you. He wants to take lots of pictures to show you when you are ready to learn about your birth country. But mostly, he wants to hold you and to read you stories at bedtime and give you a bubble bath.

I love you, baby. I want to be able to snuggle you. I pray I can give you what you need. I will try my best every day. See you soon baby!!

Your momma

Our Sweet Son is with Jesus.

Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised.

Job 1:21

Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.

Hab. 3:17-18

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

2 Cor 1:3-4

Mikiyas Yared (Jaren Mikiyas) is now in glory with Jesus. He passed away Thursday on the way to the hospital. He had been ill with diarrhea. We did not know of his illness, we were just informed today that he had died.

We are in tremendous grief. But God is good. We loved Jaren. Despite the lack of legal-ness, he was our son. He is our son. We loved him just as we love Eden and Elly and the baby that I lost in between them. So the Grimes family has now four children. Two of them are in heaven with their Father who knit them, and two of them are here with us. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Grandma Dian, have fun with him. We heard he was a riot. Give him some extra kisses from his mommy.