Grieving.

Esias is grieving.  I don't always talk about his grieving, because I know so many children who were adopted at older ages and how severe their grief can be...and I know that his grieving looks like maybe any other 3 year old just having a fit or something like that.  But as his mother,  the one who knows his heart, I know.  I can tell the difference.  This year has brought lots of changes for him, going to school, Dan and I leaving him for 10 days, therapy, etc.  Just last Friday he had tests at the U to see what his seizure was all about back in August.  Well, my sick, sad little baby was back in my arms...even though he knows we are mom and dad...even though he knows we love him, and he loves us...I could see his eyes.  They become withdrawn.  He gets more fearful of noises, strangers, new places.  The hospital was the place we spent lots of time when we he wasn't really bonded or attached to us.  He was scared and or prodded and poked most of the time while we were there.  And though we go there every week for therapy (which is usually a positve experience) when we were there last week he had sedation and an EEG which were both uncomfortable and scary for him.  So last night, he sort of lost it.  He woke up in the night (well, around midnight) and couldn't find Dan.  Dan was outside taking the trash to the curb.  So basically he freaked.  I know no idea why he didn't just find me, but for some reason he was confused and he was so scared.  He cried for over 2 hours straight with no comfort from us.  It was difficult to watch.  We finally fell asleep at 3am...I am not sure what happened to trigger it but he finally calmed down, laid down between us and fell asleep.  And when he woke up this morning, he was "fine."  But I know that despite his smile and his natural personality which just beams with joy most of the time...he experienced loss and trauma at an early age.  That kind of thing changes a person.  And I can only ask God to help us navigate through this life as his parents and help us to meet him where he is and love him through all of it.